Priority Employee Assistance Program

Fear, Self-doubt and Worry: What’s “Normal” and How to Cope

John’s performance evaluation was just days away. Although he had no reason to think that he’d receive anything other than a good review, he was full of fear. All sorts of “what if” thoughts ran through his head. What if some of my ratings are unsatisfactory? What if I don’t receive even the minimum raise that everyone else gets? What if I lose my job? What if I lose my job and can’t find another job?

Maria had never been comfortable speaking in front of a group. When she found out that she had to make a presentation at work and that her boss would be there, she immediately began to worry about how she would do. Her stomach bothered her for several days and she had trouble sleeping. Just before her presentation her palms were sweaty and she felt a little weak.

Annette was distracted at work. She kept replaying ­ over and over ­ the conversation she’d had with her daughter that morning. Her daughter was having trouble with another girl at school and Annette told her she needed to handle it on her own. Now she worried that she’d been insensitive when her daughter needed her the most. She wondered if she should have offered to help. She even worried that she was a “bad” mother.

John, Maria, and Annette are all . . . perfectly normal. Clinical psychologist Lon Gieser, PhD says that everyday fears and self-doubts are to be expected. “A certain amount of worry is normal,” says Gieser. “We all have a right to worry or feel insecure at times, but it’s important to normalize those negative emotions.”

To normalize a negative emotion simply means to put it in perspective. See yourself as being similar to others and remember that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes from time to time. Gieser says self-talk can come in handy when we’re trying to gain perspective. “Remind yourself that you are good enough at enough things. People tend not to do this soon enough,” he says. As soon as you catch yourself obsessing over something you’ve done or said ­ something you wish you could undo or take back ­ try to normalize it quickly as possible: Yes, I messed up. Everyone does. We’re all human. I’m learning. The next time this situation comes up I’ll handle it differently. Sometimes something as simple as putting a time limit on worry is helpful: I’m going to stress myself out over this for ten minutes and then I’m letting it go. End of discussion.

One way to manage fear is to imagine the worst possible outcome and then think about how you would deal with it should that actually happen. An approach Gieser recommends for dealing with self-doubt ­ especially when it’s something from the past ­ is to study the situation and then, instead of putting a lot of energy into what went wrong, focus on how you were (or will be) able to fix the problem. For example, maybe you spent several hours on a project only to realize that you were on the wrong path the entire time. Okay, so you wasted some time, but now the project is back on track and you learned something in the process.

There are some simple steps you can take when you are having what might be considered “normal” fears, worries, self-doubt, or anxiety. Some of these include: get enough rest, eat nourishing food, get some exercise and fresh air (perhaps a nice long walk or some yard work), make a list of your worries and write down possible solutions, and talk about your situation with a trusted friend or family member. If worries become so big that you feel truly overwhelmed with anxiety or if you can’t get a fear out of your mind no matter how hard you try, you can get help from Priority EAP.

In his book, Five Steps for Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (Hay House, $14.95), therapist Wyatt Webb offers a helpful process for working through issues as they arise. In a nutshell, Webb’s method involves honestly acknowledging the fear and measuring it on a scale of 1-10, imagining the worst possible thing that could happen if the fear became reality (this step can really take the wind out the sails of almost any fear), putting things into perspective and getting information or support so that you can avoid the worst case scenario, and then celebrating once the fear or self-doubt has been put in its proper place. This may sound complex, but in his book Webb says, “Now, if this process feels like a lot of work or seems tedious, let me assure you that it isn’t nearly as much work as you’ll face if your postpone doing it.” Indeed, depending on the issue at hand, you may be able to work through Webb’s steps in a matter of minutes or hours.

Whenever you experience fears and self-doubt, try to remember that it’s normal to struggle from time to time, that you’re not alone, and that we’re all doing the best we can to cope with the little challenges that life dishes up. Use the suggestions and techniques offered in this article and invent a few of your own that will get you through the temporarily scary or upsetting times in your life.

Back to Top >>